But secondhand smoke doesnt have an opt-out. Oh dear. You just cant. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Its been 12 years for me. If you dont trust me, and I have not given you reason not to, were done. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. Some people really arent used to being apart from their partners. Its not just irrational, it doesnt even make sense from the control freak point of view. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. hahaha, further confirmation of your choice. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. I got a sense of that with first part of the letter, but then the follow-up indicated he said his pals would not LET their spouses/sig others go well, thats a pretty bright red flag there. Also conferences in Vegas are soul-crushingly awful and boring. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. Good luck! The no Go Fish rule was not present in my home, but I was told to respect the kidss parents whod made that rule and abide by it around those kids, because the rule seemed a reasonable difference between my parents and theirs (rather than wholly bizarre). It comes across as so controlling. Does he not control other things about your life OP? So when my sister and her then-boyfriend said they were taking a trip there, my first thought was that they shouldnt go because tourists are always killed horribly in Vegas (or are sometimes raped or kidnapped). Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. Theres like 1 hour of down time. Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! Yeah, it might not be the safest if youre wandering around at night by yourself (just like anywhere, really), but aside from being irritated by the smoke in the casino areas, I had no issues whatsoever. Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. I dont see it as misogynist. Scheduled calls are a great idea. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. When I first moved to the city, my mom told me to never, ever go anywhere after dark. So Vegas actually *is* pretty scandalous to a *lot* of people. OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. July 3 2022. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationwhere is ryan blankenship today. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. So were you on the east or west side of the Hellmouth? This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). My SO has been to more conferences in Vegas than I think anywhere else because of the ease with which hotel rooms can be acquired. Ill throw this out too just in case. Thanks for the partially chewed chili on my keyboard. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. I agree. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. He can see how boring Vegas really is. Or get off? In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. If this is anxiety, OCD, or any other disorder then therapy for himself is absolutely necessary. I guess I read that differently than everyone else? Like Winter says . Vegas! You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. He loves listening to me talk about my trips and my hobbies and adventures, and I love hearing him talk about how he spends hours painting toy soldiers. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. I definitely do know what you mean, and what the OP describes is definitely on the problematic side of asking for permission she listed off reasons the husband has given that she shouldnt go to this particular place, not reasons why it would be logistically difficult for him or any other rational concerns. Why? The place is set up for meetings and conferences, has so many airline and flight options, plenty of cabs/Lyfts/Ubers, and staff at the facilities has run into every possible issue that can crop up. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Youre the breadwinner? When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. Also have casinos on boats. either. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. There is no one in his family who lives near us. But he is controlling. One casino is the same as another, the food isnt as good as it once was (you have to go off-strip for the REALLY good stuff), and its crazy expensive. Its natural to want to care for your partner. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. You get into a state of physical arousal (sweating, shaking, racing heart, fast breathing, etc) and it often gives you a screaming headache, roiling tummy, and makes you irritable and prone to tears. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. If its an issue that they dont trust OP, that probably needs counseling. And who are all these people in his scientific study that are so against letting their SO go to Las Vegas for a business trip?? It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Husband needs to chill, big time. Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. Im not superstitious, so I was aware that it was completely bogus that my fears concentrated on that fact, but they nonetheless did. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. I didnt sign up for this. Hmm. Good luck and please update us! My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. I lounge by the pool, eat really good food, order wines not available in my area. To give the LW the tools she needs to see if this is something she can work through to save her marriage and save her career. Do you want to go? I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. There are counties where selling alcohol is illegal. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. In my family its my mother (yay genetics! Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! Feel free to point out where I did that. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. If you stay around the main touristy areas especially on the Strip there is security EVERYWHERE. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. Dont give him information that he will then twist (anxiety twists everything) and dont waste your time or your energy you need that for other things. Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. Oooh, Ive heard of the mob museum. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. We get to decide what level of irrationality we are willing to handle in a relationship and if its based in fear and being used to limit who you want to be, that just doesnt work. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. It gives him something else to focus on, so he isnt sitting on the couch by himself, watching TV and brewing in anxiety. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel. Could be true. If your husband is really giving you a choice between staying married to him and going on a business trip, the answer may be difficult to face, but hes giving you a clear choice: You can live your life on his terms, with the threat of divorce hanging over your head if you participate in public and professional life in a way that displeases him, or live your life on your terms. I use the word unstable because Im not diagnosing him with anything, but referring to what he is doing. ), I also watched CSI for a lot of years, and on one of my trips to Vegas I stayed off-strip in a cheap hotel because I was trying to save money. However, the husband is being ridiculous. Shes gone twice now and all they do is drink and gamble! Honestly, things could happen anywhere, so his questioning that the trip is in Vegas sounds like a cover. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. You have obviously not spent much time in New York City. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation. Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. with his friends, not you. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. They go out of their way to watch everyone. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. But we should really just be taking OPs word for it that the issue she outlined is the issue there is. -OPs husband, probably. All of Nevadas legal brothels are in rural areas. I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. I never felt less inspired to sin in my life. Dont let his fear poison that for you, it wont end well for your happiness or well being. I actually disagree. Both of us are fairly standard issue normative American. My co-worker (who doesnt drink or gamble) went with their spouse a few months ago for a work conference. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. I think. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. I wish this would have been the first comment because it frames the issue perfectly. His income was mostly for his own frivolous purchases, my job paid the rent and most of the utilities (he paid his own phone bill and bitched about it nonstop). Best of luck to you. You are one strong person, and thanks for sharing your story! Nail on head, right here. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. But if theyre just attending as a participant, they wont be working 20 hours a day. Thats the weirdest part of it to me! I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. But truly, its a secondary concern here. Iam lost.